"You should have asked me for it: I would have been brave. You should have asked me for it: How could I say no?!"

"I still remember how you looked that afternoon. There was only you"



















Kele Okereke is an amazing lyricist. "I Still remember" sounds exactly like the feelings he describes. I spent my yesterevening pouring over everything Bloc Party related that I haven't already heard/seen, including an impromptu acoustic performance of "This Modern Love" that made my heart do all sorts of happy dances and somersaults. Though Kele pretty much came out of the closet, I still love that man. I had another listen to the new album and found that I really like "Signs". And the Intimacy photos are really awesome.


The Point Of This:
I am so into Bloc Party again!!!!1111oneoneone! Maybe it is after being a little dissapointed by their newest album if that makes any sense at all. It's not that it's terrible or anything, it's just that it sounds much more like a compilation of remixes rather than their old sound which STILL has the power to either lull me into dreamy contemplation or make me dance like a crazy old lady with speed mixed into her metamucil.


But then it makes me think.

Because I really don't hate the new album, and I could almost even buy the age old excuse that they are "evolving" as musicians. It was just kind of...surprising.

Funny enough, it makes me look at parallels in my own life. I was told recently by one of my closest friends that I am changing, and her tone seemed more dissapointed than that of a congratulatory "Great job finally growing into yourself!" We worked it out and all and are still BFFLAE<3> .


But...

It was a little unnerving to hear. Mainly because I'm pretty comfortable with the way that I am changing. It is a little jarring sometimes, because I yearn for my fifteen year old soul (I was a much better writer when I was fifteen than I am now. Well...a much better creative writer) but I like myself outwardly a little better now. When I was fifteen, I was incredibly shy and unhappy. Now, I see myself walking a balance between the outspoken-anything-goes seventeen year old I was and the tight-lipped-fifteen year old. And I am slowly recovering parts of me that I'd dropped along the way, such as my love of photography and writing.
I willingly admit that I am trying to find myself, but I'm not uncomfortable with it in the least, I find myself for once embracing change. When I was completely miserable, it usually stemmed from my unwillingness to grow up. I think that I am overall true to myself. My bleak outlook on the world and on others is what concerns me: I am sadly going through that "I hate everything" phase again. :/. But, I don't know, on the large scale I feel...emboldened. I feel like I can do anything. Even minor things that used to give me the chills, such as driving (hello, i failed my first four road tests because i would freak out before each one and then cry for three hours after them! very unnessesary), I feel like a much more confident person doing. So, I feel pretty good within, but I'm just not a people pleaser these days. Oh who knows where the balance lies. I can't stay the very same for too long: I get bored easily. It is in that way that I'm pretty fickle. But at my very core, I haven't changed. I'm just evolving as a musician Self. Hopefully that doesn't just translate to this particular "Me" release being really bad and no one wants to dance to it anymore...that was a really terrible excuse for an extended metaphor, forgive me.


My cat is sleeping at the foot of my bed. I love her dearly. She is adorable and loyal (which is strange for a feline). But, she is also snoring very, very loudly.

"AND YER NOSE IS BLEE'IN, AND YER NOSE IS BLEE'IN!"

Kele Okereke of Bloc Party is still the man of my dreams...

I have come to the conclusion that I enjoy dancing way too much. I'm not sure if I am a particularly good dancer (or perhaps even on the very end of that spectrum. For all I know, maybe my dancing is comparable to that of a gawky kid at 80's prom who starts doing the running man in the middle of the dAnCe FlO thinking he is god's gift to hip hop and that's why everyone is clapping and goading him on, REALLY!) (but then again...I would want to be friends with that kid...) (also...no one claps when I dance.) (also, i need to stop using parenthesis) (EHEM)

I say this because currently i am dancing like a loon to Bloc Party in front of my computer screen. Is there anyone else who just likes to randomly turn on music and FREAK THE FUCK out? Because if so, we should be friends and just dance a lot. We don't have to talk, we can just have intimate dance parties. Really, get at me. (Though, I like talking too. :)


I've started going out and publicly dancing. It's good times. And I don't think I would stop even if I were to find out tommorow that I am an embarassment to myself and my future progeny. This is all part of my attempts to become Comfortable-With-Myself(TM). So I can put a smile on my face and dance my face off even though things are kind of on the shitty side right now.

I will not digress into that though.

Also, I have recently found that I am incredibly attracted to/want to hang with hood guys who kind of skate on the edges of hipster and thuggish. I am not sure if I am particularly cool enough/savvy enough to hang with them, but I hope they can look past my nerdy i-am-sadly-pretty-much-devoid-of-slang-terminology-knowledge exterior and appreciate the burgeoning afropunk within. :)


I've been writing a lot recently. You know, poetry and all that jazz that will get me nowhere. I may just share sometime.