i wonder if my existance will forever be in vain
or will it
inspire symphonies?

Well then

When I love: It's too hard or too far or not to your liking.

I had my first hangover in two years today.

I've been so off and so on at the same time. I scribble to myself so much now because my mood is changing with the seasons.

+ I can't stop writing. I haven't felt like this in so long. I don't know if it is getting better or not, but it's nice. I'm trying not to judge so hard.
+ The spectrum of feelings is welcome. I hate static.

- I don't know how much fun I am to be around during this time though. :/

-INSERT LONG UNNESSESARY DIGRESSION HERE-

Today (well...december 6th. so i guess technically yesterday) would have been my grandma's birthday. I miss her so much. There was a time when I couldn't go a day without thinking about her. Now, it is not so frequent as that . That woman raised me. Now I am so careful of keeping family close, making sure they feel loved and I'm always on edge about their safety and general well-being. It all happened the way that it should have, minus the fact that she isn't here right now. I saw her fading before my very eyes and somehow just knew, i just knew. There was no indication that she was getting any sicker or anything. Yes, she was diabetic, but managing. For a whole year, I had this aching raw feeling in the pit of my stomach because I knew something terrible was going to happen, and every hug I squeezed her tighter and tighter because I knew it was approaching the last. The night of her last birthday with us, I retreated to my room and wept like I never knew I could because I knew! I'll always remember those eyes, those eyes she gave me the last time before she went to the hospital. It was Christmas eve and I was leaving her house. Something was off when I kissed her goodbye: we locked gazes. Something about the way she looked at me then made me want to thank her for everything and tell her all of my secrets. "Are you...you know...okay?" I asked her. She paused for a moment to consider. She knew. "I'm fine. Goodnight, I love you."
What did I want to say? I wanted to ask her more about when she was a little girl, I wanted to tell her how she should hold on, just a little longer because I needed her: Oh dear God, I needed her.
Instead, I settled for: "I love you too, Grandma. I'll see you tommorow"
And then, I didn't.

< / END LONG UNESSESSARY DIGRESSION >

The first snow over here is a big reminder. Whilst walking back to my dorm from the shuttle bus and I looked up at the flurries falling in my face and had to laugh. When I was fifteen, I'd pleaded with her in whatever form she had taken to just let me know she was somewhere out there. Nothing more than free associating, begging into the void:

"Are you out there? LET ME KNOW!"

I'd thought I was being sly with whatever was up there when I added the extra condition: "If you're up there, prove it, make it snow tommorow."

And snow it did.

I still don't know if I believe my clumbsy 10th grade quasi-prayer was really answered. I like to believe everything is a sign. I suppose it doesn't really matter what it was, it served me well as a reminder to always go out on a limb and hope unabashedly.
Dare to make a wish and maybe, just maybe, it will alter your self-fulfilling prophecy- that whole reasoning behind why people tend to EPIC FAIL when they think to themselves beforehand "Wow, I am going to fuck this up, now aren't I?".

Hopes are disapointing sometimes though.

Oftentimes.

Especially these days.

It's been a long time since I've felt such longing as I do. I don't know if I have enough in me right now to hope unabashedly.

I’m so jaded by the niceties; give me something soulful, it’s the only remedy
tried and true:
You?

Let the pessimistic pseudo-existential babble begin

["come out from behind your eyes little girl,
outside isn't all grey skies
the light is meant to rap at your window with stones"
this is what they say, and i beg to disagree
i'll have no part of yours--got my own reality

i'll sleep like i have, while you parade with torches
blazing brighter than the high noon sun
on the sticky day when contempt came to play ]

- 12/04
My writing has gotten so shitty lately, but hey, at least I have felt like writing again.

***

I find it kind of funny how the nights here got warmer, and then colder again.

Now, the energy is just the frenzied, electric anticipation to get this semester over with--if it is cold, i cannot feel it. I spent my first few weeks here feeling like I was walking in a haze, and fell deeper and deeper into it before succumbing completely; I'm glad for this. I think you have to be completely submerged and practically drowning before you can wake up and fully realize the extent to which you're under: and this is merely tepid bathwater. I am resurfacing now, I am falling back into old habits and it's not a bad thing: synthesis is the key.

Finals are coming up. They are inducing lazyness instead of the intended call to attention. I am not overwhelmed or unmotivated: I've handled workloads far greater than this. Maybe that's why I can't focus, oddly enough. I'm always so bent on doing work I care about the right way, but focus evades me and procrastination completely consumes me. I can forsee a few all-nighters the very near future.

I am in such a piss poor mood lately. I've been listening to a lot of old spring awakening workshop stuff, so it probably has to do with my feeling nostalgic. Atop that, I've been rocking out to voxtrot, and bloc party all day.

That is all.

"You should have asked me for it: I would have been brave. You should have asked me for it: How could I say no?!"

"I still remember how you looked that afternoon. There was only you"



















Kele Okereke is an amazing lyricist. "I Still remember" sounds exactly like the feelings he describes. I spent my yesterevening pouring over everything Bloc Party related that I haven't already heard/seen, including an impromptu acoustic performance of "This Modern Love" that made my heart do all sorts of happy dances and somersaults. Though Kele pretty much came out of the closet, I still love that man. I had another listen to the new album and found that I really like "Signs". And the Intimacy photos are really awesome.


The Point Of This:
I am so into Bloc Party again!!!!1111oneoneone! Maybe it is after being a little dissapointed by their newest album if that makes any sense at all. It's not that it's terrible or anything, it's just that it sounds much more like a compilation of remixes rather than their old sound which STILL has the power to either lull me into dreamy contemplation or make me dance like a crazy old lady with speed mixed into her metamucil.


But then it makes me think.

Because I really don't hate the new album, and I could almost even buy the age old excuse that they are "evolving" as musicians. It was just kind of...surprising.

Funny enough, it makes me look at parallels in my own life. I was told recently by one of my closest friends that I am changing, and her tone seemed more dissapointed than that of a congratulatory "Great job finally growing into yourself!" We worked it out and all and are still BFFLAE<3> .


But...

It was a little unnerving to hear. Mainly because I'm pretty comfortable with the way that I am changing. It is a little jarring sometimes, because I yearn for my fifteen year old soul (I was a much better writer when I was fifteen than I am now. Well...a much better creative writer) but I like myself outwardly a little better now. When I was fifteen, I was incredibly shy and unhappy. Now, I see myself walking a balance between the outspoken-anything-goes seventeen year old I was and the tight-lipped-fifteen year old. And I am slowly recovering parts of me that I'd dropped along the way, such as my love of photography and writing.
I willingly admit that I am trying to find myself, but I'm not uncomfortable with it in the least, I find myself for once embracing change. When I was completely miserable, it usually stemmed from my unwillingness to grow up. I think that I am overall true to myself. My bleak outlook on the world and on others is what concerns me: I am sadly going through that "I hate everything" phase again. :/. But, I don't know, on the large scale I feel...emboldened. I feel like I can do anything. Even minor things that used to give me the chills, such as driving (hello, i failed my first four road tests because i would freak out before each one and then cry for three hours after them! very unnessesary), I feel like a much more confident person doing. So, I feel pretty good within, but I'm just not a people pleaser these days. Oh who knows where the balance lies. I can't stay the very same for too long: I get bored easily. It is in that way that I'm pretty fickle. But at my very core, I haven't changed. I'm just evolving as a musician Self. Hopefully that doesn't just translate to this particular "Me" release being really bad and no one wants to dance to it anymore...that was a really terrible excuse for an extended metaphor, forgive me.


My cat is sleeping at the foot of my bed. I love her dearly. She is adorable and loyal (which is strange for a feline). But, she is also snoring very, very loudly.

ADD Post about nothing in particular...

Sankofa: can mean either the word in the Akan language of Ghana that translates in English to "go back and take" (Sanko- go back, fa- take) or the Asante Adinkra symbol.
The Asante of Ghana use an Adinkra symbol to represent this same idea and one version of it is similar to the eastern symbol of a heart, and another version is that of a bird with its head turned backwards taking an egg off its back. It symbolizes one taking from the past what is good and bringing it into the present in order to make positive progress through the benevolent use of knowledge.

I am getting the symbol tattooed on my arm as soon as I've got a little more money to my name. It's so beautiful and powerful, and I hope that it will serve to me as a constant reminder to learn from the past and not repeat mistakes!

I'm listening to "Georgia On My Mind" by Ray Charles. I love his voice. I've learned that I love songs with "Georgia" in the title, one of my other all time favorites is "Georgia [Take Me to the Sea]" by Jaguar Love.

Anyhoo, I've been home for the Thanksgiving break since Tuesday. It is such a relief to be back: such a good reassurance that everything hasn't changed completely. My best friends are all back in one place and it feels amazing to spend time with them all together again. And I love my family to insane unfathomable amounts. College had gotten...better...but something is lacking there. I float around and hang out with different people, which is good I suppose, but I'm a little more used to being in a sort of clique. I've always floated around with different people outside of my group of friends, but I've also always had a home base to go back to, and it's a little odd not to have that. It's not even that I'm uncomfortable being independent, on the contrary. I actually enjoy time by myself a lot more than many people I know, and will go out of my way to get it if I feel overwhelmed. I just miss that aspect of having a base of people who are looking out for me in this particular location, you know? Whatever. I'll go back and the semester will be over in about nineteen days and a month of glorious normalcy will ensue. It will be beautiful.

I've been working on a film that I want to shoot soon. It feels good to be somewhat productive. I've also written a little bit more. I just need focus. I have so much trouble staying centered, (as evidenced by this post, it goes everywhere!) especially these days creatively. I think that's why my output has been so blah. I start so many things and do not follow through. Must keep on track, must stay centered. I should start meditating again.

I <3 Janelle Monae

It's a good year to be a...(don't make me say it...)
(okay here goes...I'll just say it really fast and all the rest of my fellow "tight-pants-wearin'-ass-*insert-another-dicey-term-here*[oh, ninjasonik]" out there who get offended can just pretend it never happened.)

It's a good year to be a blipster.

OMAHGAWD THURR I SED IT, AND WHAT?


ahahaha


No, but really. Who else isn't madly, truely, and deeply in love with this woman?